As a preview of some of the information that Dr. Ann will share us tomorrow, she has offered these words of wisdom on conflict in relationships.
The Keys to Conflict
by Dr. Ann Park
When we would go on vacation, early in our marriage, one
of the things my husband and I could always look forward to was a brisk,
invigorating round of conflict. Our motto seemed to be: “A vacation is a
great time to get into an argument!”
What
was happening?
We
were stepping into a classic pattern of behavior that’s all too easy to start
... and keep going.
We
were putting off our troubles until a little later. Somehow, “a little
later” ended up being during our vacations.
Now
I confess that this was partly my doing. My difficulty was all the
unstructured time that came along with our vacations. Free time meant free
associations - I'm a psychiatrist, after all! And suddenly, all (his)
crimes and misdemeanors of the preceding few months would stand up and declare
that they were ready for their pre-trial hearing.
Needless
to say, this was not great for our vacation time. I learned the hard way
that I needed to find a better way.
Does
this ever happen to you? Have you ever found that the short-term gain of
putting off problems leads to a long-term price that is harder to pay?
If
so, you’re not alone. Many of us find that it’s unpleasant (at best) or
excruciating (at worst) to rock the boat. But I think we need to be
motivated by this fact: there are no short cuts. We either pay up
now, or we pay later, for emotional accounts that are due. Our hearts
have a hard time suppressing our emotions. Feelings don’t get stored up.
They ooze out. Usually at the times we would prefer not to ooze. Like on
vacation!
In
my opinion, Freud said a lot of crazy things but he was also brilliant.
He observed that it was impossible for us to stay truly silent. Our eyes, our
hands, and our actions give us away. Our true feelings emerge from every pore.
So
what can we do to deal with our feelings, with conflict, in a healthy way
within our marriages?
1.
Be prepared. We
can acknowledge ahead of time that it is natural for conflict to arise in
marriage. And it will arise repeatedly throughout the course of our
marriages. This is the inevitable fact when two imperfect people come
together.
2.
Be proactive.
In a nutshell, don’t wait until vacation rolls around. And don’t wait until
you’re ready to blow up like a can of coke that’s been given a good
shake. Think the situation through ahead of time. Identify what’s
bothering you. Write it out, if that helps. Gather your thoughts so
that when you speak to your spouse, it’s thoughtful .
3.
Be personable.
Do you want to speak to someone who is becoming unhinged before your
very eyes? Neither does your spouse! Pick a time and a setting to
have a discussion that increases the odds of a great outcome for both of you.
Choose a relaxed time, with little outside interruption. Put it on your
calendars, so you are both ready. Agree on a defined time to wrap it up.
End on a positive note that reinforces your couplehood: go for a walk or bike
ride, get dinner together. Repeat as needed.
And
save your vacations for relaxing!
Take home: Dealing with conflict is a
necessary skill in marriage, and you can get great at it.
Optional journaling
exercise: Pick an area that you’d like to discuss with your
spouse. Using the three points above, write down three steps you will take this
week to begin a healthy discussion with your beloved other.
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